Observations of a blown mind

CR’s Story


Ok so I am newly ‘out’, and I read your blog with great interest; I enjoy the Science articles and your humour is cool.

So anyway I thought about how much my life has changed. Initially I admit because of my ‘conditioning’ I was very opposed to this site.

I hope you understand, it was nothing personal! I grew up being a Witness and was warned about looking into apostate things.  I have always tried to live my life the best that I could under the WT Society’s control, and of course I never really got to have any life experience at all.  So what has changed for me?

5 years ago I fell in love with the woman of my dreams, who is now my Wife, and we ended up sleeping together, so as you can probably guess quick as a flash we were hauled in front of the Elders and we both got a public reproof!  We both went together and confessed and showed genuinely true repentance to them, so that is why we were reproved.

But that was just the beginning. People in our congregation, people I have known for years, treated me and my Wife like total garbage – even though we put things right and married! They could be especially mean to my Wife, who really suffered.  I just kept telling her that everything was going to be OK and that we should trust in Jehovah. I reminded her that these were just imperfect people who are doing this, and Jehovah will take care of them. It was a struggle, but we had each other, and we fought on.

It took almost 2 years for us to even get any privileges back and I thought when we did our problems would end, we’d be back in good standing and could start over.

I was so wrong. I very quickly realised that people ‘in the truth’ just don’t care. If your face doesn’t fit and they simply don’t like you, they won’t every make the effort or respect you. There is just no two ways about it; Jehovah’s Witnesses invented the clique. Of course, if you are in with the popular crowd then you will be OK, but if you’re not then your life will be a living hell. Our life was a living hell.

As much as this was going on I was still trying to be the perfect Jehovah’s Witness and husband, desperately looking for the good in every situation and trying to encourage my Wife to do the same.  But this whole experience really took everything out of my Wife, and I, being a typical bloke, was clueless to it.  I guess that I just didn’t want to believe that this was really hurting her.

So these last 3 months in particular have been hell for both of us, to the extent that last month my Wife expressed to me how she wants nothing to do with the truth anymore.

At first I was floored, I couldn’t believe that she would feel this way.  I didn’t want to accept it. My first thoughts were this was going to ruin our whole family, it would ruin everything!

Those fucking evil bastards. Please, forgive me, I am so angry right now.

But then I began to really dwell on this, think it over. I always had questions in the back of my mind about the truth, but growing up in the truth, as you know, you are trained not to think that way.  So I never questioned it, I dismissed my doubts.  But this new situation is different, my Wife really opened my eyes to things and it led me to really examine our situation. I asked myself questions such as;

  • If this was really ‘the truth’ then where is the love towards ‘brother and sister’?
  • How is it possible that certain individuals are given privileges and responsibilities when I  know full well they are not the ‘perfect christian’ or worse have committed gross sins and covered them up?

This final question was a big one in our minds, because a ‘brother’ that was infatuated with her (he used to stalk her, sneaking around her house at night) and even though she is now my Wife, at times had been a little too familiar, was recently appointed a Ministerial Servant!

Anyway, why would I want to be a part of an so called christian organisation that is supposedly based on love but actually practices the opposite. To the extent that my Wife is now severely depressed and considered taking her own life. I am just so glad we are able to talk about anything. There are so many secrets and shady going’s on in this organisation, I question what it is we are involved in.

Then as I said at the outset I found this, and other ‘apostate’ sites that actually seem to be talking the truth! We are no longer regular. What with my Wife’s depression and my own concerns, how can we be?

So I have made the decision we will no longer associate as Jehovah’s Witnesses – we want nothing more to do with this controlling and evil cult. I don’t yet know if we will write a formal letter disassociating ourselves. It is more likely we will continue to drift off. After reading horror stories about disfellowshipping, I really think that’s the best route.

I will email you soon Chris as I am sure there will be more stories to tell.

I mentioned I was doing this email to you to my Wife and she feels the same; that people who may be reading this with a story of their own should tell it, because there are so many people in the JW organisation that need to get out or they’ll lose everything. These stories are encouraging and helpful and should be shared. We need a support network and sites like this really do help.

Thanks again.

CR

CR – I read your email and to be honest so much is familiar it is untrue, and disturbing. I will continue to put people’s stories on here as I truly believe, like you, that these experiences will help. It is all about a network. 

Thanks CR for sharing, I wish you both all the best, drifting will cause the least amount of pain – their perception is that you are no threat to them too – and please stay in contact – Chris.

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